Irrsinn.net: taking joy in human unreason

Centering

I’ve recently taken up meditation as a way to keep myself on track. There are several places in my day where it’s very easy to fit in meditation–first thing in the morning, between morning and afternoon classes, and after working out/before starting evening homework.

Meditation, of course, is known for enlightening one about oneself. Despite the fact that I’m not meditating specifically for introspection, I’ve learned… a few things.

Holy fuck, I’m tense!

It takes so little provocation for me to tense up shoulders and neck, I’m almost never relaxed. Meditation attempts can be damned painful shortly after a stressful event as I relax my muscles.

Tension is one of the key reasons I decided to take up meditation. I stay off-balance a lot these days–my temper is short again, my self-esteem is low, and I feel mentally and physically battered so much of the time.

I’m tired of it. This is the most awesome quarter I’ve had at Rose, and I’m staying down and worn out about minor shit and fucking up in ways I shouldn’t.

Geesh, I need to slow down!

I am so concerned with time. Just this morning, I had a nice little ten-minute meditation using one of these amazing meditation timers. Despite the fact that I had plenty of time and was able to focus relatively well, I kept having a single question pop up in my mind: “When will the ending music start?”

It’s not that I want to hurry through. I just have a (perpetual and increasing) fear of getting completely relaxed, then being jostled awake by something external. It’s all tied into my fear and dislike of alarms in general.

That makes it difficult for me to relax completely and keep from coming back up and peeking at the time on my mp3 player.

An clear mind is a focused mind

I think too much (in the “acute activity” sense). My first handful of meditation sessions were spent with me sort of marveling at the amount of crap that I was struggling to clear away. No wonder I forget to send emails, have trouble focusing on research/schoolwork, and have trouble handling problems when they come up. I’m thinking about 100 things at a time!

Early morning meditations are easier for clearing away crud, but currently, I don’t even seem to wake up perfectly clear-minded.

Ah, rest

Sleep has been lacking recently, and while meditation isn’t a substitution for sleep, it helps by given restful moments during the day. Even just ten minutes is surprisingly helpful.

I’ve lost my center

My center of balance is… not centered. It may have shifted in the direction of WO, it may have gotten buried in stress and other things I let dominate my life.

I need to find it again. I need to rediscover the core of strength that enables me to accomplish as much as I can, because doors are opening and I want to go through them.

So my current experiment is to see if it’s under the shit clouding my mind.

  • jed

    I started meditaiton in highschool, but I just learned how by playing around till something worked. I should figure out more about it. one thing to remember is that going for 10 minutes or so makes you more alert in the middle of the day and all, but if you do 45 minutes before you go to sleep and are not careful you can make your self stay up all night. that is the only reason my room gets cleaned I think.

  • *laugh* Yeah, I think I’ll stay away from lengthy meditation right before bed. I’m so tired lately, though, that much longer than 20 minutes and I have trouble staying awake.

    There seems to be quite a science to meditation (a spiritual science, but a rigorously studied one by certain parties), but I don’t know that I’m interested in it. I haven’t been convinced that you can do meditation incorrectly as long as you feel some benefit from it, and right now, I have little non-academic interest in the structured spiritualities/religions that revolve around meditation.

    Reading on meditation is fun, though. I read a lot as a child when my father and I meditated together. We were also self-hypnotizing, so the books were lots of those really fun 1980s pop-psych books.

  • A

    Yeah, that whole mind in dissarray thing is awful. But without getting a little behind on sleep, I find I can’t attempt meditation. I need a certain amount of disorganization to loosen up, as it were. But I’m just a mental hobbyist, and understand very little of the true mechanics – I fear reading bunk and believing it, so I tend to try to figure the stuff out on my own.