So much to do…

This isn’t a bitch or a rant. It’s a little more introspective.

I’ve always known that I’m a lazy bum. Not a bum in the sense of that kid that never has his school supplies when they’re needed, but in the sense of that smart girl that always cramming for tests and completing homework the minute before it’s due. I had a four day weekend, due to the inclement weather here in Charlotte, NC (I love that word “inclement”), and what did I really do with my time? Saturday and Friday have been amply explained in previous posts. Saturday night, Sunday, Monday, and today I have done not much else but read the archives of NP.com. I ate very little, slept even less, did nil homework, and just swallowed, in huge, gaping, migraine-inducing chunks, NegroPlease.com. I haven’t sat down and read a book on my own time for weeks. Anyone who knows me knows exactly how bad a state that is for me.

And yet, my mind is stimulated. I am still thinking, still provoked, by the months-old entries of websites. Every night, I lie in bed and think about things I want to think about, write about, explore internally and externally. Why I have the friends/acquaintances I have, why I claim to dislike rap music (and especially raggae), yet have been listening to nothing other than “Get Busy” by Sean Paul for the past couple of days. Why I feel like dancing with joy and crying in despair at the same time.

I look at my room, at my bookshelves full of books, some read, others not, and have a desire to catalogue all of my books for my now semi-defunct book site. I have reviews to write of books. I have close to ten books I want to be reading, from several genres. Each interest is spurred by something I read online, then gets shoved to the back in the flareup of another interest, previously in the background.

I still have things to do for college. My FAFSA, my CSS. I have papers to write, oral presentations to prepare for, Calculus to attempt to comprehend. And nothing is getting done.

I obviously need structure in my life. I need to say, yes, I will read Nietzsche right now, with some C# on the side. From 4:00 pm to 5:00 pm I will work on my financial aid junk until the shit is done. For 45 minutes when I get home from school and after I drop my 25 lb. backpack onto the floor, I will workout.

And it works, for a while. But not long enough to lose weight. Not long enough to get an acceptance back from a scholarship I turned in. Not long enough to be able to program a stand-alone school management system (a reference to a program I wrote in C++ last year) in C#. It’s instant gratification, all the time. And I’m sick of it.

But what can I do? Keep trying to structure? Keep writing on my big-ass calendar “FAFSA!!!!”? There’s not much else to do, in my experience…