A Nerd’s Haven

I’m working on a French assignment now that is to be my IB French Oral Presentation. It’s the first essay that I have written in French that I am moderately proud of the subject matter. It concerns the education of children in America (and the problems therein). It deals a little with the roots of these problems, and how the problems I see in the classroom develop. It has to be a 2-3 minute prepared presentation, and must be memorized. After I’ve revised it several times, I think I will post it in the essay section. It will remain in French, of course, as the vocabulary is simple and would look stupid translated into English unless I beefed it up considerably. But I must keep it simple, or I will choke on more complicated vocabulary or sentence structures during the presentation; I will have enough to do keeping my nervousness at bay, as well as keeping my breakfast down, and trying to ignore that tape recorder staring at me. The first two paragraphs, for those who can read a little French (and for archival purposes):

Le système d’éducation dans les Etats-Unis présente des failles. Nous avons les élèves à leur année finale du lycée qui ne peuvent pas lire, qui ne sont pas réussi algèbre niveau deux. Les professeurs ne peuvent pas enseigner car leurs élèves sont si indisciplinées.
Le problème commence chez eux. Les parents de plusieurs de ces élèves travaillent en boulots plein-temps pendant les plus années jeunes de leur enfants. Si leurs enfants sont dans une garderie un nombreuse d’heures du jour, où une autre personne les donne leur moralité, qui ne peut pas corresponde exactement à ceux des parents. Ni les garderies inculqueront la disciplinée dans ces enfants. Les enfants deviennent les petits sales grosses, sans un concept vrai de quoi est raison ou tort, bon ou mal, acceptable ou inacceptable. C’est comment ils entre l’école.

My grammar and diction are horrible; I still don’t understand how to use relative pronouns other than the French II level “qui” and “que”. And it’s not very concise. I need to pack a lot into 2-3 minutes, and this stuff won’t get it. Arg. Back to the grind.

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• The highlight of my day
• Hmm.
• Note to self.
• #$@!@#$*
• I feel so special…

I find it fascinating how reading and the Internet allows people to find others they have much in common with, whether in personality, interests, goals, or other areas. It makes people feel a little less misunderstood and alone. Hence my interest in the article “Caring for Your Introvert”.

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

The article is an superbly written explanation of introversion, what it means to be an introvert in such an extroverted society, ways in which we are commonly misunderstood, and even a funny section on letting the introvert in your life know that you support him. Actually, the entire article is written in a funny, relaxed tone that keeps it from becoming a bitter diatribe or a rant against extroverts. Despite the calm manner of delivery (or should I say, the lack of sensationalism apparently so craved in articles these days), it keeps the attention, through and through.

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• Hmm.
• #$@!@#$*
• I feel so special…
• Blah, blah.
• Midnight linkage

I just got an acceptance letter from Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology. I am beyond ecstatic. I have no idea how I am going to do my homework tonight. But I’m looking at their financial aid information, and although they seem mildly biased towards Indiana residents and loans, I think I can get together enough money. I’m seriously considering accepting. But my mother suggests I wait a couple of days, so that the excitement fades a little. Will it fade? The summary of my thoughts right now: I can’t believe I got into a selective school like RHIT… and YAY!

If I get into Carleton College as well, I am going to have a tough time choosing between the two…

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• Hmm.
• Ten thousand, eight hundred. Plus a few.
• #$@!@#$*
• I feel so special…
• A thoughtful belated Ma’s Day

Dublab is an online streaming media source that plays… odd, yet interesting music. I hate to describe music in terms of general classifications, as they rarely ever indicate the reality of music (take Tool, for instance), but with Dublab, you get a little techno/dance type music, mixed with a short little country-sounding ditty, followed by that type of rock/alternative music that loves horns, followed by who knows what. I have yet to hear a group that is recognizable, either from pop music (of which I have heard none at all) or from the electronica/techno scene (and please, will someone explain the difference between electronica, techno, dance, and house music?!). There are very few commercials (thus far), and a constant stream of fascinating music (including a song in French I heard about 15 minutes ago). This one defintely stays on my list.

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• Eating my words: Bjork
• Hmm.
• I feel so special…
• Hot chicks with hairy nips
• #$@!@#$*

Yes, I have one. That I know of. This friend is finding himself rather stuck in a pattern with respect to relationships (or lack of), family life, school life. I hardly ever get to talk to him, as we go to different schools and have different buddies now, but every now and then, we get to sit and talk. And it’s all good, even if life is shit for one or both of us.

But tonight was different. Instant messaging is hardly the way to pick up on cues from a person’s body language, but knowing him the way I do, I don’t think I have ever been so worried in my entire life as I was while talking with him. It seemed like things are so dark for him. I totally understand how it is to realize that you’re stuck in a rut, and that things don’t seem to have any prospect for getting better. It feels like you’re slipping downhill, away from what you want to be, and from what you perceive you can be. I’ve been at the point where your last true and good relationship with a human being is in jeopardy over something that seems as though it should be trivial, but isn’t. It can’t be. You wonder, why do I let this consume me? Why do I allow this to destroy everything I want and could have? And no matter how much you rationalize and contemplate and beat yourself up over it, you find yourself in the same pattern again and again, placing that same thing above all, almost unconsciously. It makes you feel stupid, that you can’t seem to fix anything no matter how fucking hard you try.

But you still hope. As much as you want to get away, and fade into oblivion, you can’t, because you have to see if there is something better over the horizon. Will college give me a chance to make a clean break? If I get away from my family, can I remove a source of major stress and be able to understand myself a little better? But will this freedom be too much for me? What if I can’t break this pattern, even away from home, away from the old friends and influences? I’ve never blamed it on them anyway, but does this really, really put it on me? How stupid am I, that I can’t fix this?!

So you cry yourself to sleep so many nights that you lose track. You avoid your parents, giving them the silent treatment. You feel the true weight of your false smiles and little white lies and fake laughs with your buddies that have very little, if no idea at all, what is going on in your life, in your mind. There’s not an aspect of your life that you don’t hate. I hate my grades. I hate the fact that I have one sellable skill. I hate my face, I hate my race, I hate my body, I hate my smile, I hate my lies, I hate my truth.

You can’t tell me anything I haven’t told myself. I’ve thought about it, pondered it from as many different angles as I could. Be a sounding board, let me type out, write out, scream out, cry out my problems. You can’t get inside of my head. There’s only room for one of us in here.

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• Relish the balance.
• I feel so special…
• Hmm.
• Yeah, I so hate it when that happens.
• #$@!@#$*