I’ll take a side of change, please.

I’m so tired of so many things right now. I know how to make things better: journal, exercise, meditate, be emotional. This will make everything from eating to exercising to living to getting things done easier, making for a happy emotional loop, generally speaking.

Some things are out of control. I’m looking for the reset button, the thing to help me fully think through my thought processes and emotions. I feel stuck in so many ways, fighting with a life that needs change and a body that isn’t going along willingly.

So I’m stopping. I’m doing a short fast (water/fruit juice) today and tomorrow, followed by a vegetarian diet for several days. I’ve got one leg on the shore and one in the vegetarian boat right now. Vegetarianism worked well for me in the past, forcing some creativity and more balanced nutrition in my diet. I don’t know if it’ll work now or in the future, but it’s worth a try.

The problem is, of course, my live-in SO, WO. He doesn’t mind going meatless for a day or two, but wants “good” meat (red meat, largish portions of chicken, whatever) at least a few times a week. Whatever happens, I think the grocery bill will increase if I take an interest in faux meats or alternative dishes. Of course, the option to shop separately is there, but may be rather impractical at this point. Six months of living/dining as a couple would be hard to change into a more conventional “roommate” style.

Regardless, I think the fast will be particularly interesting. I’m inspired by Renee’s recent fast; I want to take a step back from food and eating and have a chance to distance myself a little. Watch others eat, maybe. Enjoy the smells without immediately needing to dive in and stuff my face. Something… reflective or introspective, I suppose. Right now, midafternoon on day one, I’m just kind of tired and a little hungry, but not much more tired that I’d be anyway on so little sleep. At least my tummy stopped rumbling, which could have been embarrassing in class.

I feel as though (as usual) there isn’t much of anyone around to talk about this stuff with. I’m shying away from posting nitty gritty details of physicality on the Webnet, despite the fact that I read a lot of others’ writing on their life and body struggles. Of course, I’ve distanced myself from this space a decent amount over the last year-ish, I think. Maybe that was a bad move. I’ve toyed with the idea of hosting another blog around here for airing out my laundry in a public forum, with the idea being that public discussion of private life can lead to changes in perspective, but I’m still waffling. Waffle, waffle.

Patience and perseverance are the answers, I suppose. I have to get back into a routine that works for me and stick to it.


  • jed

    I like waffles

    not very helpful I know, but I wanted to say it anyway

  • Michael

    I don’t know what kind of meat (or substitution) you’d be working with, but for example, boca sells 3-packs (how annoying) of ground “beef” and 2 packs are supposed to replace 1 pound of beef. and the HT says the beef is like $3.99/lb and the boca box is like $3.49

    I admire your fasting, but I cannot do it. I mean, I kind of do accidentally, and occasionally i’ll go a day and not eat, but only b/c i was too busy and forgot. Many days I’ll just eat dinner, b/c i cannot convince myself that breakfast is worth it (waking up early) and then have errands to run in lunch period.

    i kind of know what you mean about trying to change direction. and i don’t know if i’ve taken a cop-out, or become realistic, but i’ve decided that some things will have to wait until after graduation, when i’ll be less busy (some in the working world may scoff at this assumption, but i guarantee you i won’t be this busy “in the real world” unless i’m a firefighter, or emt, or tech-on-call all at once).

    about airing the laundry, i would say go for it, everyone loves country fresh, line-dried laundry, but then i’d say, don’t nobody live in the country no mo, and they wouldn’t get line-dried, country fresh but potentially smogged or acid-rained :-/

  • Lissa

    Michael: As far as meat substitution, I’m all for faux crumblies and stuff (like the Boca), but I haven’t seen them in my local Kroger. I’m probably overlooking it, though. Substitutes that require some slight processing of tofu bricks are fine with me, too. Mae has a really cool cookbook with easy recipes for faux meats, including sausage, beef, etc. that I want to get my hands on.

    I hear you on having more time post-grad. I found the biggest problem to be the number of things I wanted to do and the limited number of evening and morning hours in which to do them. I mean, getting up early to workout requires going to bed earlier, which reduces the amount of time I have to cook, read, write, cleanup, play video games, do research, socialize, watch stuff, and go out in the evenings. And hell, by the time I cooked dinner and cleaned up the kitchen, it was already 20:00 or something.

    That said, I do think more shit could done post-grad. There will be fewer external obligations (like clubs, RAing, whatever), unless you choose to put them in (like volunteering).

    I think I will air some laundry. I do worry about the smog, though.