For the gamers in the crowd

*looks around* …Of which there may be very few… Others may still enjoy a funny story without detailed knowledge of the system.

Since being in Charlotte, I’ve been experimenting with a few different D & D campaigns, all of which are GM’ed by people older than 34 years old.

I now suspect this is a bad idea for someone who actually likes D & D 3.5 and wants to play in a real 3.5 campaign, rather than a 3.0 campaign with the inclusion of monks.

…With a communicative and helpful GM.

Anyway, here’s a conversation between me and WO that had me rolling. It’s a bit edited to remove some unintelligable inner jokes, but it’s 99% intact. Especially the part at the end involving the weed. That’s good stuff.

me: Shit. This guy just emailed the D & D group and is talking about starting up a 0-lvl campaign.
Gregory: 🙁
me: His first rule is, “don’t argue about the rules”.
Gregory: He hates fun.
And freedom.
Zero fucking level.
me: To me, that now reads, “Don’t ask about the rules.”
Gregory: Playing D&D at 0 level is like playing handball with mittens.
Oh, look, Jimmy just got eaten by a firebeetle.
Not celestial.
Not giant.
Just a firebeetle.
me: lol
Gregory: It glowed at him and he got scared and accidentally swallowed his own tongue.
me: “If I ask you what your character is doing in a particular situation, you have roughly five seconds to respond. If you do not respond your character will spend that round stunned and unable to interact or react. This is not to tick you off; this is to keep the game moving as much as possible.”
Gregory: 🙁
I give ’em a ten-second countdown if I think they’re taking too long.
Sounds like an asshole.
me: “Also Do Not Argue if the dice say one thing and I say another. Just shut up and enjoy the flow of the game. I will never kill your character if the dice say otherwise; but I will also not let you waltz through the game if the dice say you should. The fun in this game is feeling like youre accomplishing something, not clobbering everything in sight and strutting out.”
Sounds like a complete asshole.
Gregory: Yes. If you are playing D&D, play D&D.
If you are FFRPing, FFRP.
me: “Do not under any circumstances argue with me about the rules.”
Gregory: And for goddess’ sake, don’t tell the players you dodge rolls.
me: UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!
Gregory: Fudge rolls, rather.
The fact that GMs fudge rolls is a closely guarded secret.
me: Is it?
Really?
No.’
Gregory: Yes.
It is.
me: Everyone knows this.
Gregory: Shh.
me: Except absolute noobs.
lol
“Pretty simple – pick a race, pick a simple weapon (dagger, dart, club, or staff) and we go from there. ”
F’ing level 0.
Gregory: 🙁
:(!!!
Dart.
You get one, fucker.
me: Just one.
lol!
Gregory: I say if it gets broken, too.
What?
me: *dies laughing*
Gregory: You wanna know how I decide?
Guess what?
Your dart just fucking broke.
Now it’s a 1d2 improvised weapon.
Nice job, fucktard.
me: lol
STOP!
Gregory: Anyone want to ask how I handle small vs. medium weapons?
me: I can’t stop laughing.
Gregory: How about you ask my crit fail rules?
What?
You want to know how to confirm crit fails?
You swallow your sword.
me: lol!
Gregory: I said YOU SWALLOW YOUR FUCKING SWORD.
me: Meep! *runs away, tugging frantically on the sword *
Gregory: DO NOT UNDER AND CIRCUMSTANCES ROLL A FUCKING CRITICAL FAILURE OR I WILL KILL YOU IN REAL LIFE!
Although I only have this broken dart.
me: lol!
Gregory: Hold on. Let me roll.
Shit, a one.
Hold on.


me: dead
Gregory: Okay, now I can kill you in a day or two.
Depending on my diet.
me: Shit. *laugh*
Gregory: Exactly.
me: These GMs are crazy.
I’d bet money that Howard (the bad GM) has been telling people that I argued with his rules.
Gregory: Because his rules are fucking ridiculous.
me: Expressing any surprise, incredulity, or frowning is considered arguing to these guys.
I don’t understand.
Gregory: DID YOU JUST LOOK AT ME FUNNY?
YOU DID!
me: They want us all lined up in a row, playing exactly as they imagined it should go.
Gregory: You’re eaten by a turrasque.
I SAID YOU’RE EATEN BY A FUCKING TARRASQUE!
IT FELL FROM THE FUCKING SKY!
NOW YOU’RE IN HELL.
me: Aww.
Gregory: Have fun getting raped by fucking Asmodeus for eternity.
me: Frown. slinks away
Gregory: His cock is a goddamn CR 30.
me: Is it really?
So long, level 0.
Gregory: It’s got fucking class levels.
It’s multiclassed.
me: I’m going to have to post all of this on my website, you know.
Gregory: /me laughs.
me: The gamer types will get it.
“I’ve been DM’ing for a long time and rarely get any complaints”
Um, no wonder.
I suspect he kills those who complain.
With that broken dart.
me: I’m actually emailing him.
Gregory: To say what?
The man’s a psycho.
me: To ask what type of GM he is.
Gregory: With a broken dart.
me: lol
Old style?
Gregory: What’s old style?
me: He doesn’t even explicitly say it’s a 3.5 game.
Gregory: 🙁
me: Any GM over the age of 30 is an old style GM, apparently.
Gregory: IT’S 5.5, FUCKERS!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
me: Pulling in shitty old rules is what I mean by “old style”
.
Gregory: IT MEANS I FUCK YOUR FUCKING MOTHER!
NOW YOU LOSE A LEVEL.
WHAT? YOU’RE LEVEL 0?
THEN YOU DIE.
GIVE ME YOUR CHARACTER SHEET.
Did I mumble, cocksucker?
GIVE ME. YOUR CHARACTER. SHEET.
Do you know what this is, asshat?
This is premium grade Aculpolco gold.
me: Huh?
Gregory: IT’S WEED, MOTHERFUCKER.
me: lol!
Gregory: Now, the trick to rolling a good level 0 joint is the nice tight wrapping.
me: Players do get 10 hit pts to start, which is kind of hot.
Gregory: And the sprinkle of PCP.
me: What do you know about blunts?
Gregory: You see that? That’s a motherfucking joint.
NOW SMOKE IT, BITCH.
me: Shit!
“About the whole being funny thing: most people want to be funny in settings like this, every so often, and thats fine. If you crack everybody up with a funny, great. If you do it constantly, thats acceptable, but it slows down the game. Dont go out of your way to make people laugh; just do it in the context of the game. However, if you make the DM crack up sufficiently, extra experience points will be awarded on the spot. Ive given out as many as 500 at a time for somebody that had me rolling on the floor.”
Gregory: I SAID SMOKE IT, OR I STUFF THIS SHIT-COVERED BROKEN DART IN YOUR EYE.

me: Omg!.