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A True Haven

I’m listening to “Dream On” again, repeatedly, as I am wont to do. Work blew today, and I have to do all my homework (except a single essay) tonight. Woo-friggin’-hoo.

I work with a guy that may be the most delicious-looking teenager I have ever seen. He’s kinda a jerk, but he’s funny in a harsh sarcastic way. But it’s not at all his personality I am interested in. I love the way he walks, the bone structure of his face, and the muscularity of his body (“muscularity” is actually a word; I just looked it up). He has a pretty deep voice (for a white guy), and beautiful blue eyes. But his body, even covered in the black and purple shirt, the baggy black pants, and the ridiculous purple apron we have to wear is something to drool over. Why I have such a visceral reaction to him is beyond me. Usually once I realize a guy is a jerk, the attraction will fade to something worthy of only an occasional glance, but not this time. I consider this yet another reason to quickly look for a new job.

I think writing (or typing) about Joseph has helped me somewhat. I didn’t think about him at all today (which is rare). Maybe I can use this “haven” as more than a chronicling of events in my life. Maybe I’ll be cooler about the guy at work now.

I’m reading a book called Reckless Sleep by Roger Levy, a new author in SF. What a weird book. I read often, of course, and have read a lot of “okay” and “good” books, but rarely does a book cause me to really feel the physical reactions of the main character. I feel nausea, fatigue, and worry when Jon Sciler does, and puzzled when he does. And I’m not even reading the book in a single sitting like I usually try to do. The plot was initially very confusing, even having read the blurb on the back cover of the book, for which I knock points from Levy, but things made sense around page 94 and now I’m hooked (it took until page 200 of Fellowship of the Ring). Before i fall unconsious tonight, I’ll probably try to read a couple more pages/chapters.

Weird Moods

Work was a deluge tonight, and it will be again tomorrow. And I have still done no homework. I think I am going to look Tuesday for a new job, particularly at Books a Million. I can’t take this shit anymore; I completely understand Cory in his apathy–and he’s newer than I. How I hung in there so long is beyond me.

I’m listening to Aerosmith’s “Dream On” right now, and although the lyrics are just odd (and the voice it not at all the Tyler voice I am used to), the music is just freaking me out. Something about those mellow, laid-back crescendoes (in music and vocals) that give me chills. It never fails.

Every time that I look in the mirror
All these lines on my face getting clearer
The past is gone
It went by like dusk to dawn
Isn’t that the way
Everybody’s got their dues in life to pay

I know nobody knows
Where it comes and where it goes
I know it’s everybody’s sin
You got to lose to know how to win

Half my life’s in books’ written pages
Live and learn from fools and from sages
You know it’s true
All the things come back to you

Sing with me sing for the years
Sing for the laughter and sing for the tears
Sing with me if it’s just for today
Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away

Dream on dream on dream on
Dream yourself a dream come true

While I tend to think this song is a wee bit confusing in the lyrics, taken with the tone of voice and that eerie music, I find myself loving it. So I’m in a weird mood right now.

I’ve been thinking about my old buddy Joseph lately. I haven’t seen or heard a peep from him since eigth grade, but I still think about him, about the the situation he was in at the end of that year with his father (which I’m not supposed to know about), and the hell that I personally put him through, even without the help of Katie and Sabrina. Maybe the things I said and did didn’t really bother him that much; maybe he just shrugged it off as an immature bitch’s rantings. But maybe not. An IB student at Harding, Mark, recently performed (cello) in a Civic Something-or-another competition. He told me that the violinist he was competing against was named Joseph, and that his dying grandmother was there to see him win. But Mark won. Mark didn’t seem too terribly bothered by his victory, but since then, Joseph has resurfaced again and again in my thoughts and dreams. Not that he hadn’t been in them before, but it’s a little bothersome at this point. Everytime I help a customer at the theater that could possibly fit his profile, I wonder if maybe it was him, and he just didn’t recognize me without my typical hairdo of that age, or maybe he has changed drastically in the five years since eigth grade. That’s another reason I wouldn’t mind working all the way across town from his house. There would be less doubt in my mind. Of course, I don’t have the balls to just look up his phone number (his father’s name is very distinctive) and call him, or hunt down old mutual friends to ask about him, but since we are graduating soon and I’ll be disappearing to another state, I’ve been wondering…

Perhaps Introductions are Necessary?

I decided to start a little “blog” of my own, after reading the overly dramatic crud my buddy Micah posts at cry_me_a_river.blogspot.com. Although my life isn’t nearly so interesting as his (or those of his friends), I would still like to chronicle what goes on in the day-to-day life of a nerd, namely yours truly.

I suppose I should first lay out who my friends/acquaintances are, and their relationships to me. Not at all an easy task, given that I am not a very social person and find myself easily capable of spending weeks with no contact with anyone, alone with my books, thoughts, music, and computer. And yet there are still a few folks I don’t mind talking to, and even consider friends.

Michael: Probably my closest bud at this time; I can’t really talk to him, but I can chat with him about website-related stuff, a major past-time of mine and his.
Jenny: Michael’s girlfriend; she smart and popular, a rare mix at Harding H.S. Anything I tell Michael goes straight through one ear and into hers, and vice versa. I would never express an opinion about one to the other at this point–I learned my lesson when I called Jenny “squeaky”.
Micah: A gay buddy of mine that used to attend Harding; Il est mon ami jumeau (twin friend). He’s overly dramatic, annoying as hell about 66% of the time, and highly entertaining. He’s into musical theater at Northwest now.
Eddie: A former boyfriend turned almost-confidant; I still don’t know if he’s bi or straight, and I can’t bring myself to care too much. We spend little time together, which is good, because it makes what time we do spend together better in that we don’t fight (too much) and I don’t get to see all the little things I dislike about him. I would consider him a friend.
David: A disturbed boy from (multiple) disturbed homes. I place him here because he’s a good acquaintance that makes me laugh (at length) and I amy end up talking about him at some point.
M. K.: M.K.’s just a shortened nickname, as what I call him is his mother’s last name, and it’s not nice to post that sort of stuff on the Internet, ya know. He’s a superficially arrogant, not-so-bad-looking dude that I used to consider a friend, until I realized that I can barely stand to listen to him talk at all. It’s “all M.K., all the time” with him, and I find myself with less and less to say to him.
Dulin: My one buddy that doesn’t annoy me (I think). He’s been my friend since freshman year, and although we don’t have deep or even personal discussions, I can trust him to be my buddy through all sorts of weird stuff (like very public, annoying, and embarrassing boyfriends/girlfriends).
Nathan: A strange guitar-playing acquaintance; for a brief period of time, I almost considered him a friend, but then the night of revelations ended and I was faced with the familiar, curly-haired, arrogant, manic-depressive (IMO), offensive-as-hell guy I have always generally avoided or talked to in short spurts. Very short spurts.

I am a senior at Harding University High School in the International Baccalaureatte program and am interested in pursuing a career in either web design/development, coputer programming (in Java), or book editing (as in for a publisher like Baen Books). I spend lots of time reading, even more time working on my websites, and a fair amount of time reading USENET groups, that entity that not enough people know about anymore and that promotes discussions of topics about everything from religion to computer hardware to books, movies, and music.

I think this is a good first post. Now I’m off to work (I sling popcorn for a living–for now).