How am I going to break down and blow up at Bob tonight, followed by almost a half-hour of uncontrolled crying?
It rendered me useless for a good hour, and I still cried even while I worked on Comp. Arch. before starting the Thorn.
There ain’t one. There is absolutely nothing fucking wrong with me other than a little fatigue that I can’t even justify in terms of sleep or stress.
So my schedule is busy. It’s not undoable. Hell, I’m doing it.
So my research is taking a lot more of my weekday time than I planned on. We all know that life is what happens while plans are being made.
So I’ve been waking to the buzz of my alarm clock for twelve days straight with no more than seven hours of sleep at a time. Whoop-de-fucking-do. A whole seven hours?! Perish the thought.
So I’ve moved forward about twenty pages in Harry Potter in an entire week. This leisure time has arisen only during meals. I have no problem with living a fairly active lifestyle, being fairly constantly on the move. Better yet, I signed up for this. I went in with eyes open: three jobs, two research spots, four classes, NSBE, the newspaper. I have absolutely no right to bitch right now when I’m a little fatigued. I’m not fixing the problem by dropping any of my activities, so I need to shut the hell up and keep moving.
I was knocked off my little surfboard a surprising amount by Aaron’s death. Icing on the cake o’ shit, this week. I don’t feel comfortable e-mailing my mother about it because of my uncle’s death just a couple of weeks ago.
When Luke tried to get me to talk, I didn’t know what to say. I have no right to pile my schedule up like this, then blow up at people over little shit because my day isn’t going so well. All of my bitchiness, my lack of running and discipline in eating, my fatigue, my growing lack of sociability–all of these are my problems, caused by my choices, that I need to deal with.
So I’m reminding myself of the rules. Reaffirming my resolve, so to speak.
I chose this (Rose, schedule, jobs, newspaper). No caffeine when I’m in this state. No “checking answers” after an assignment is done or getting further explanations from friends or profs or tutors. Tough it out, stretch my brain, take the grade hit if I’m too dumb to figure it out. Run at least three hours a week no matter the loss of sleep. No pawning off work on Luke or Bob. Just walk away when a possible altercation arises, despite the oddness of that response. All homework is to be done before going to bed. No missing class unless I am physically incapable of making it to the classroom. No more dumping my problems on friends who have problems of their own. Don’t spend money unless it’s an emergency. Don’t dump problems on Mommy. Use leisure time to write blog posts or sleep, in that order if the catharsis is needed. Food… *sigh*. Eat it or not, but don’t abuse the body too heavily. One of these days it won’t recover so well.
I guess my one secret little fear arises from the fact that this week’s schedule is exactly what I’d planned for the entire quarter. This isn’t going to stop for ten more weeks, so I just need to learn how to deal.