"Testosterone makes the guy a guy. Estrogen makes the woman a woman."

Funny, that’s a little simplified if my Gender Issues reading was any kind of accurate…

“The menopausal male”.

Completely unrelated to the above, I am finding myself very close to a shutdown point. I do not want to be where I am doing what I’m doing. I have absolutely no idea where I’d rather be, but I am feeling distinctly… unhappy, borderline miserable, and that’s an odd feeling for me.

Except for, you know, this school year.

But today’s only Monday. My aunt, the wife of my uncle who died six weeks ago today of cancer, was found dead yesterday. I have two tests tomorrow. I have a milestone due to for a project on Wednesday. My physical health has deteriorated to the point that I am no longer running and am scared to try. I am violently swinging between mania and near-aphasia. My stomach, when it is not revolting against anything and everything I eat, no matter how bland, feels permanantly clenched in panic. This… pressure builds behind my eyes and squeezes until I nap or step outside in the frosty weather to cool down. Worse than sleeping through class (which I am still doing), I am also simply tuning out.

What’s gone wrong? My weekends are not supposed to be stressful. They are my chance to get a good night’s sleep to recover from the events of the past week. This past weekend jolted my psyche more than it soothed it.

If my upcoming four-day weekend is not sufficient for me to recover my aplomb and some of my zeal, I’m going to be taking a break from some things. Like the newspaper. Like NSBE and its social drama. Like one or two of my jobs.

The alternative to not taking a break is not looking pretty right now.

I was told last night, “What the hell good are you to anyone if you can’t balance work and fun? I sure as hell would fire your ass if you couldn’t do both.”

I think it’s a valid point. I’ve lost my balance.


  • Luke


    Yeah, that’s true enough…there’s 8 hours a day to cover all 3 aspects of your life. 8 for sleep/exercise, 8 for work, and 8 for whatever. At least once you get out of Rose…until then there’re 6 for sleeping and the rest for Thorn, work, and school. 😉

  • Lissa

    Now you know good and well there are fewer than six hours for sleep, and that your ordering of things to do is all wrong–it’s school, Thorn, and work.

    Post-Rose… If I get a job I like, the numbers won’t seem balanced then, either, because I come from strong workaholic stock… This is why Averys need not have children.

  • Hannah

    I’m not surprised you’re stressed, considering that you go to an extremely challenging school where you are completing a particularly difficult major, and on top of that you are editing a newspaper, working several jobs, maintaining position(s?) in one or more clubs, and trying to stick to a rigorous exercise program. It would break the best of us (which pretty much is you), and I cringe just reading about all the work you do. I feel for you, I wish I could tell you how to “take a load off” but I know from personal experience that it doesn’t mean anything (or help) when other people tell you to relax, tell you that “everything will be okay.” So that’s not what I’m trying to say. I know everything’s not always okay or even moderately okay, but things do fluctuate. You know that. I just want you to take some time off from the things that you feel are (a) lower on the list of your priorities and (b) bring you the most stress. It seems from reading your blog [religiously] that you are very stressed by the newspaper. I don’t know how much of a break you can take from that, but would it help? (And you know, I should’ve just emailed this because it’s too long for a comment box.)

  • Hannah

    Edit: “…the best of us (which you pretty much are), and I….”

    Yeah, I break English.

  • michael


    def drop it? yes def drop it. drop what? hmmm…so u want/need to stay on rose b/c u r the cheese next sem or next yr (which is it? next fall? after those 2[?] graduate?) so u can’t very well drop that unless you’re done with it. sounds like nsbe and(?) work. how do i drop work and live w/o money? i dunno that hard shit. a talk wit pappy may be of use. melisa, take some time (just for 20 minutes f everything else) and decide what u wanna do, where u wanna be, and what’s making u happy now, what was making u happy, and might make u happy, and then just fn drop sht accordingly, be ruthless. if somet needs you, it would have been kinder to you(r body, and mind, and life). I don like u bn n this pos.

    in the end, if u need money…there are cheaper ways to get to degrees, ways w/o travel logistics and feet of snow , a magical, far away place
    Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
    And the towels are oh so fluffy
    Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
    And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel! i love and miss u call me if u need to, or just call me any way after 11 soon

  • Lissa

    You would have me go to Albequerque? [;)]

    I’m thinking what y’all’ve said over.

    Except what Luke said, because it was completely irrelevant and I wonder what he was smoking when he posted it…

  • rackrent

    With school, one job, and clubs, I already feel the strain, so wow, I don’t even know how you’ve managed to do so many things for so long. Sometimes I also tend to want to do everything and forget that the most important thing is health, if your body doesn’t cooperate, there’s no way to do ANYTHING that you want.
    I’m sorry about your aunt and uncle. I hope your family is OK.

  • Jenny

    i agree. you should come to albequerque. which is a hard word to spell. it should be albecurckee. that would be better. yeah.

    if it doesn’t make you happy, don’t do it. if it does, well, it can’t be that bad (according to my good friend and yours, sheryl crow).

    in the meantime, a random scream is an effective way to release steam. especially if you’re on your way to class and there are people walking back. then you can watch their faces and laugh hysterically afterwards.

  • Hannah

    No, Jenny, it should definitely be albakirkee, if we’re really making it easy.