Somewhere in high school, I did something that made people like me. Now, when I’m in need of help getting where I want to be, there are a lot of people stepping up to help me. Michael’s coming for Commencement (!!!) and to help me move. Nathan visited an apartment complex on my behalf (and toured it!) today. Lisa’s offered to let me stay with her, if I want to hold off on getting an apartment. She already pulled some strings to get me the interview for the Harding position.
I guess… I feel humbled, I suppose.
I feel as though I’ve lost a lot of what made me admirable (if I was) in high school. I have so much trouble making sacrifices for things I want these days. That’s a common trait among people here at Rose; a lot of people feel they’re “talented” and that things should come easily. If it doesn’t, then it’s probably not worth doing, because it’s clearly not in their area of interest.
I’ve picked up more of that than I’d like, despite my resistance to it. I’m still not one to ride on “talent”, but I do feel like I lack a lot of my old motivation/passion/idunno… my go-get-em. Maybe it’s that I feel like the standards are so low here for success, and I’m blah-blah on meeting those. I still go-get-em when I want ’em, but it feels like I don’t quite have the energy I used to.
The best term I can come with for it is “joie de vive”. Zest. Drive. Passion. My Charlotte people generally have it, my Rose people generally don’t (with a notable exception), though I love ’em to death. I feel like I’m moving (if not forward, then someplace else) very quickly and (with that same notable exception), the people around me are content to be cool to move along at a more peaceful pace. That’s cool, but that’s not where I want to be.
Part of the reason that I want to move back to Charlotte is to get myself into an environment where I can regain that. I let Rose become a big part of me, and I’m ready to move past it.
Until then, I guess I don’t feel worthy of my Charlotte people’s love, like I’ve “unproven” myself during the last three years through slovenly/slacker behavior. I probably never was worthy and will likely never be, but right now — when all of these elements are coming together to help me — it’s particularly apparent to me.
Now, however, I shall dance to the fourth movement of “Eine kleine Nachtmusik” as I fax apartment applications.