‘Bout a month ago, Guy wrote “Law and Disorder“. Guy (I feel weird talking about him like he’s not going to see this) wrote of his anxieties about leaving his home and attempting to not be a failure at life (for varying definitions of “failure”, of course). I’ve been running this over in my head ever since reading it. This is the remix; my mix of his post and my perspective. I’m borrowing his writing style where I can (I’m not as effective a writer as he is). The most jarring (to me) were his statements: And that is what I have to do, survive. You always have to worry…

When I lost a lot of weight during freshman year, I suddenly found myself smaller than most of the men around me. It was a weird, kind of deliciously sensuous feeling; men wanted to be around me (for non-platonic reasons). I was like, “Wow, is this how ‘normal’ women live?” The implications of that became clear pretty quickly, however. I found myself repeatedly feeling like a marionette: purposefully draped, positioned, turned, and manipulated like something out a Nacho and Belladonna flick. Well… not quite like that, but with the same deliberation for many of the same motives–others’ fun and pleasure. Part of this is due to the men I was…