Smile. It’s good for you.

So… I’m feeling better. The mental/emotional boat is rockin’ a lot less severely, even if the anxiety and jumpiness haven’t completely abated. And I’m keeping food down again, which is always a plus. (Particularly after a two-day stint without…)

I pulled something of a preemptive strike on my chemistry prof and e-mailed him Sunday night to tell him I knew I bombed another exam, that I would be willing to take a (non-credit) exam in a week or two to show that I can, in fact, master this material, and that Dr. M is helping me understand things. Hideous as this sounds, the good news is that about half the class failed. My second, crippling fear (after my grade for the course, bien sûr) was that I would be the only one to fail (I was the only one on the first exam). However, now Dr. J is frustrated that he isn’t able to adapt his teaching to our (lack of) learning, and we are frustrated (me to tears) that we can’t get what should be simple. It’s a damn general chemistry course. I don’t know about anyone else, but I just need a good algorithm–I understand the concepts, and how the equilibrium moves with the addition of constituents, but damned if I know where to start working the math of the situation. So there’s my goal for the week. Plus understanding this thermochemistry stuff before I get completely befuddled.

My mother called this afternoon, which had me worried all over again. If she had just waited for another couple of days, I could have played nice on the phone and smoothed things over, but I was busy, and in the middle of something. I was probably a bit terse as I explained they needed to call my cell phone to get in touch with me since I’ve moved into the Thorn office, that one of my classes wasn’t going so well, and that, sure, she could fly up here to be a passenger on the trip back to Charlotte, as long as she doesn’t bring Ali–I’ve got enough shit to fill up my trunk and back seat, easily. She ended the conversation with, “Well, since you’re so busy, I’ll let you go…” which does not bode well for a lack of concern on her part, which will spread to my father when he gets the money I sent back in the mail. My anxiety is not supposed to be contagious.

I don’t know if I look frazzled or bitchy (probably the latter, alas), but people are treating me with kid gloves, and it’s a weird feeling. I expected to have my throat slit twice over an editorial choice I made last week in the paper; I spoke directly with the more… aggressive… of my two potential attackers earlier today, and she said naught on the subject. I suspect attacks are being fielded, though. Bridget just gives me these looks (of the pitying sort) every time I see her that make me wonder if I look like I’m ill or something. It doesn’t help that I can’t really explain why I’ve left when she hints about it–I’m the one being the weird, whacko bitch right now, not her, so there’s no point in bringing my problems out to bother her, and it would serve no purpose other than to make her feel bad.

Continue reading Smile. It’s good for you.

Needing a weekend from my weekend.

I don’t know what is wrong me right now, but I am a mess, and it needs to stop. I’ve been crying all weekend randomly, my stomach is is knots and is completely refusing to hold anything I put in it, and I am so tired.

A week in review: Last Sunday, I got news that two of my bestest friends ended their four-year relationship. Four damned years. Talking on the phone with one of them that night didn’t alleviate my fears of something drastic happening when I could do absol-fucking-lutely nothing about it. Not that it was anything that was said, but four-year relationships can hardly be ended without a great deal of pain, and I worry. So that started anxiety (nightmares and sleepless nights) about possible suicides or violent crimes or any other variety of things that haven’t seemed to have happened.

Monday thru Wednesday, I worked on a take-home midterm for my databases class that was very frustrating. We have barely done any practice on the concepts we’ve covered, have no idea where to find practice for the things we’ve been talking about, and then bam, here’s a ridiculous midterm. So come Thursday, I opened discussion on the exam in class and let him know exactly what I thought of it. I despise anonymous feedback–I know I talk and write in a particular way, and I suspect my feedback is hardly ever anonymous to the prof who reads it, so I have no problem going ahead and signing my name on it, or just talking face to face about it. I wasn’t… mean, per se, but the failings in the way the class was structured became very apparent in taking the exam. All I wanted was for him to provide some ways for those of us that care to practice–there’s no need to go through the rigamarole of assigning homework and grading it, but something would be nice, because we don’t even know where to start. Although I suspect he will be lenient in grading, the entire situation was frustrating, because our only opportunity to really bring the grade up will be on the final, and I still need to learn the first half of the term’s material, in addition to the second half, of course, before I take the final. So that’s frustrating, because I really fucked myself over this term in a class that I wanted to go so well.

Wednesday I got some bad, and potentially horrific, news about a friend’s health. Insert anxiety (see above about nightmares, etc.) about various possible maladies. I don’t think I will be fully reassured until I hear about test results.

Continue reading Needing a weekend from my weekend.

And here I thought the rain was over

I didn’t think I could still cry over an exam.

I just failed another exam in chemistry. I failed my first one, got a low A on the second one, and just finished bombing the third one (worse than the first) fifteen minutes ago. I got back to my room, packed for my trip to Indy this evening, and was on my way back to the Thorn office when Mae saw me and asked what was up. I then proceeded to break down and cry like a big fucking baby in the middle of the hallway, complete with sobs and blubbering. I cleaned up a bit, made it down to the Thorn office, and now I’m doing it again.

Continue reading And here I thought the rain was over

Well, now, isn’t this cute?

I read this (from ZDNet UK)…

“It is this switching cost that has given the customers the patience to stick with Windows through all our mistakes, our buggy drivers, our high TCO [total cost of ownership], our lack of a sexy vision at times, and many other difficulties […] Customers constantly evaluate other desktop platforms, [but] it would be so much work to move over that they hope we just improve Windows rather than force them to move.”

Continue reading Well, now, isn’t this cute?

taking joy in human unreason