After my rather pathetic posting in the wee hours of Saturday morning, I had to regroup. I just can’t be all down and out and a mess without fixing my broken crap.
Sunday was full of a lot of writing and thinking and meditating, and I’ve regained a lot of my balance. In fact, I’ve probably been more balanced in the last few days than I’ve been in the last few years. A small part of me wanted to go and remove that post and pretend I was never that desperate, hopeless woman, even for a night. But I was. And the world moves on.
Being in Charlotte is very quickly helping me pick a direction for myself. Not my life (teaching, etc.) necessarily, but me. Part of it is my usual watching people and deciding that I do or don’t like that aspect of what they appear to be, then examining myself to see what that means to and for me.
Part of it is being away from what my life was the last two years. And the setting I was in the last four. Rereading my journal from the last year was a good reminder of all of that.
I don’t know if I can sum up how I feel about life right now other than “chill”. Except that I’m not chill, I’m f’ing crunk. I’m exciting about how I spend my time and who I spend it with and where I am.
But I am chill about myself. My “loneliness” stemmed from the same craving for external validation that I’ve been railing against for the last six years of my life, though IB and college. But I don’t need that shit. It’s nice, but if I can’t tell myself that I’m beautiful or interesting, then what in the hell does it matter if someone else tells me that every day for the rest of my life? It means nothing. I’m not interested.
Right now may be one of the most free times of my life. I am beyond easy influence by my family. I am out of a difficult relationship. I have physical mobility and some social connections. I can be me without persistently strong, negative external influences.
I’m feeling chill about my being. I’m letting me do me — I’m working to improve things like my physical fitness, but I’m not constraining myself to x and y regimen, or worrying much about my weight. My weight will come to some equilibrium, and I’m more interested in being able to do things — running for miles, biking for more miles, etc. I’m letting my hair do what it will. I’m eating more healthily. I’m more conscious of my body’s state at all times, but I’m also content to let it be itself.
I don’t want my relationships (all along the spectrum) to be drama-filled. I see that mess all around me when I go to Michael’s house, and while 1) some people thrive on that, and 2) some drama will always happen between people, I’m just not up for all that. I want to do me and you do you and where we overlap, we can be we.
I’m terribly uninterested in getting involved in a romantic relationship. Sex, sure. Maybe. Except that I suspect that drama comes with sex, but I’m not worldly enough to be experienced in these sorts of things. Friendship, yes. I want several and I want ’em good.
Life is feeling very good right now.