The un-grumpy edition

I’ve been struggling to write something constructive here all day. I’m recovering from a two-day migraine that is merely a splitting headache at this point, and I’m on my last thread dealing with my current job. If my last day here weren’t tomorrow, today would be.

So while I’m not sure I can manage to be cheerful and helpful here today with links and happy progress, I think I can be “un-grumpy”.

I started reading a book I grabbed from Michael this weekend titled A Very Hungry Girl by Jessica Weiner. I’m only 39 pages in, but it’s a tear-jerker.

I’ve been struggling recently to get my ass in gear and lose some weight. I was slapped with the label of having an eating disorder back in 2006, and I’m not sure that that makes anything better or easier. I lost a lot of weight my freshman year of college by trading one style of disorderly eating for another, but I’m not one to deprive myself for lengthy periods of time without there being — as specified by the original ED — a hellacious rebound.

…I’m not sure this book is going to increase my peace of mind in the short term.

I also don’t know if that’s okay, given how much I’m struggling now.

The specifics of Weiner’s childhood and early eating troubles don’t fit my history much at all. I never had friends that traded secrets on how to purge weight in high school, and outside of my home, my weight was only an issue in my head and to the “Moolissa” crowd.

Wait. Maybe I have more in common with her than I thought.

Anyway, while the specifics may not always resonate 1-to-1, they are very, very cringe-worthy. The 16-year old who isn’t menstruating yet. The “Hey, you all should try laxatives!” thrown out at a gathering of friends. The struggle of seeing all your friends eat with wild abandon at a party and feeling as though everything around you is set up to make you fail at being what you want to be.

Even with my strength of personality — which I tend to think is appreciable — it’s very hard to maintain individuality and sense-of-self in a situation like the last one. It’s a struggle enough when you’re alone, but when you’re with an SO or a group of friends, the momentum can make a battle you barely win normally by the skin of your teeth — which teeth don’t even have! — become overwhelming and shattering to the ego.

It’s enough to make a girl a recluse, I’ll tell you that.

I have no idea what I’m going to get out of this book. I picked it up casually, because I enjoy reading about weight-loss, but I’m getting more of a ride than I bargained for, what with the stress and the migraine and the fat-ism (not even a -phobia; these people just hate) at the job and my own preexisting issues.